(This file was forwarded to me by a friend deep inside Homeland Security, so deep that he if he were to issue a memo denying he existed, it would be accepted unequivocally. I share it not in the interest of national security, but just because it's fun to mess with the government.)

File T09-1138HS-0503

ATTN: Domestic Supervisory Attachment, Homeland Security, White House

RE: Transcription of TC-00284, recorded 05-01-09 by Operator 329-G4, Homeland Hotline.

Operator: You've reached HO-HO, what is the nature of this call – reporting an immigration violation, witnessing events that could be considered detrimental to the security of the homeland, discovering potential threatening memorandum combing through trash of suspected Syrian neighbor, the rental of a movie or purchase of a book considered unpatriotic, impure thoughts regarding terrorism--

Caller (unidentified male, voice pattern consistent with that of Anglo male, 37 years old; regional accent suggests terrorist leanings): Uh, you know, how long is this going to go on?

Operator: … foreign plans to overthrow the government, bioterrorist plots to raise global temperature more than 0.3 degrees in the next five years, the creation and distribution of Social Security numbers for the sole purpose of obtaining jobs in the landscaping or the hospitality industries--

Caller: OK, wait, hold on, look, none of those, OK? Hello? Is this a real person or a recording?

Operator: This is the Homeland Hotline, HOHO, I am operator Steve.

Caller: Good, Steve, that's great, but I really want to get down to business.

Operator: Just a few more options. If this is about taking five ounces of gel or liquid aboard a jetliner, exceeding federal requirements by two ounces, you may qualify for our amnesty program guaranteeing swift deportation to any of the following lawless or liberal countries where that kind of violation still flies: Sudan, Iran, India, the Netherlands--

Caller: No, look, you better listen and listen closely. Because if you don't pay me one million dollars, I am going to bring this country to its knees.

Operator: Excuse me sir? Is that a threat.

Caller: Hmm, yeah. I thought I made that pretty clear, what with the whole “Bring the country to its knees” part.

Operator: I'm going to have to get my supervisor--

Caller: No, you're not. I'm not going to be on the line long enough for you to trace me.

Operator: All due respect, but Caller ID allows us to--

Caller: You think I didn't know that? You think I'm gonna threaten the government without first dialing *69 to block the call.

Operator: Clever.

Caller: Yes. Now listen, because if you don't follow my instructions, the United States you knew will no longer exist.

Operator: Go on. Oh, I should remind you this call is recorded and may be monitored for customer-service purposes only.

Caller: You think I buy that? One time I called Dell and they said the same thing, and after spending 20 minutes detailing my problem the guy transferred me and he asked me what the problem was, and I said. “Hey, genius, just rewind the tape you made for customer-service purposes” and you know what he said? There IS no tape. And calls are NEVER monitored. It's all bullshit. They don't give a damn, hiring people in some far off countries getting paid one dollar a day to shuffle you around so when you have to repeat your story for the 27^th time you are just so tired you slam--

Operator: Threat?

Caller: Huh?

Operator: You said you were phoning in a threat.

Caller: Yeah, that's right. Unless you meet my demands, I am going to send my son to school tomorrow. Public school. Where a lot of kids go.

Operator: That's … good. We here at HOHO believe that a strong education leads to positive indoctrination and thus a greater inclination to keep an eye on neighbors and report suspicious activity, like the building of 13-foot ladders when it is well-known that current border fences are 12 feet.

Caller: You don't get it. My boy has a fever, is coughing and is achy.

Operator: Jesus, you don't mean … you can't possibly be thinking …

Caller: That's right. Odds are pretty good he's got swine flu, and I am not afraid to use it.

Operator: Good God in heaven, man, you can't be serious.

Caller: I most certainly am. Unless I am paid two million doll-

Operator: You said one million.

Caller: Huh?

Operator: Earlier. You said one million.

Caller: Really?

Operator: Yeah.

Caller: Well, just play back the tape.

Operator: Damn.

Caller: And now the price is three million. Got that? Three million dollars or tomorrow morning, I send my son to school. And just in case you think I'm not serious, every time he coughs, I've been admonishing him about covering his mouth.

Operator: You don't mean …?

Caller: Exactly. With each cough, billions of swine flu germs are hurled into the atmosphere, health-seeking missiles delivering a cough and overall achy feelings to anyone within several feet.

Operator: You monster!

Caller: Me, a monster, in a country where routinely, food-preparation workers leave the restroom after merely RINSING their hands, making a show of it and yet using no soap? Leading to many, if not dozens, of people contracting food poisoning at Herman's Hummus Hut, and I had to miss work for three days while puking my guts out?

Operator: So that's what this is about? A personal vendetta?

Caller: Not anymore. It's gone beyond that, especially when Herman refused to take the tainted hummus off the bill. Herman will pay, you will pay, the country will pay.

Operator: Even if you do carry out this nefarious plot, even if your son gets past the vigilant school nurse on duty--

Caller: Tomorrow is Tuesday. She only comes in Thursdays.

Operator: You've thought of everything, haven't you?

Caller: Yes. And there's more. After school, I am going to take my son to the mall.

Operator: You wouldn't!

Caller: I would. And am. By the time he touches, but does not take, samples at Chick-Fil-A and Cinnabon, he will not have washed in hands for more than 24 hours.

Operator: Have you thought this out? Do you know what you're doing? You are subjecting complete strangers to a virus that may keep them bedridden for days. Has the world hurt you so much that you need to lash out like this?

Caller: There's one more thing.

Operator: Dear god, what might that be.

Caller: We're flying.

Operator: NO!!!

Caller: Oh yes. And we have not one, not two, but three layovers. Each in large cities.

Operator: This can't be happening.

Caller: Yes it is. And did I tell you my son has a penchant for hugging strangers? He'll just go up to pretty much anyone and give them a big old hug. Which, now that I think of it, isn't really as cute as it was when he was 4. But, anyway, unless you transfer 10 million dollars into my account--

Operator: Ten? But you said – oh, never mind.

Caller: As I was saying, unless that amount is wired into my offshore account by 8 p.m. today, you are risking the relative health of dozens, if not more, throughout the day tomorrow. And as the infected spread it to others, a governmental overreaction will result in the closings of schools, malls, airports … the list goes on. You might as well put a “Closed Until Further Notice” sign on the Statue of Liberty.

Operator: You've made your point. I will start putting the money together now. Really, should only take a few minutes, I know there's some leftover bailout money around here somewhere. Hey, Sam, can you check the filing cabinet over there? No, third drawer. There, good. How much? Great, thanks.

Caller: (door slam, background conversation, unintelligible).

Operator: Sir? Hello? Hey, look, we got the money. Sir?

Caller: (Unidentified woman's voice, unintelligible).

Operator: Sir?

Caller: You're kidding. The flu? The regular flu? Was he sure?

Operator: Sir? What's that about a regular flu? Your son has a regular flu?

Caller: No no, swine flu. I swear, it's swine.

Operator: Sir, I think our conversation is finished.

(Caller logs off – investigation pending on HOHO's possession of petty bailout cash)