The following series of emails actually occured between a customer in Arizona and a corporation in New Jersey. All names are real because, frankly, they just need to be to show the utter cluelessness of people who obviously chose the wrong career when they went into customer service:

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Name: Bryson Craven
Item Purchased: Cosmic Flyer
Where did you purchase the item? Ehobbies (online)
Question: Once the plane is about 50-60 feet from the transmitter, the engine starts to cut out. I have full power for a few seconds, then it stops for a few seconds, then full power, then nothing, and so on. I charged the battery for two hours as recommended and am in an open field with no buildings or trees within 100 yards. Do you know of any way to help me? I bought the Flyer last week and it arrived yesterday. This was the first flight and it was very frustrating because I saved up a long time to buy this (I think about three months).
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Hello,
Send your item in along with a copy of your sales reciept and we'll take a look at it for you.
Send it to:Megatech Attn. Service Dept.8300 Tonnelle Ave.North Bergen,NJ 07047
-----Original Message-----From: Megatech [mailto:info@megatech.com]Sent: Thursday, July 29, 2004 7:57 AMSubject: Megatech Technical support
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From: Scott Craven
Sent: Saturday, August 21, 2004 6:45 PM
To: Service
Subject:
Re: Megatech Technical support
I shipped the plane to the address below on Aug. 7. It should have been received no later than Aug. 16. Can you please give me an update on the repairs and when I might receive the plane? Thank you.
Scott Craven
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From: tony
To: scraven
Sent: Monday, August 30, 2004 9:57 AM
Subject: RE: Megatech Technical support
Hello, We will be replacing your airplane but I will need you to pay for the S&H.
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From: Scott Craven
Sent: Monday, August 30, 2004 5:39 PM
To: tony
Subject: Re: Megatech Technical support
Considering you have the plane, I really don't have much choice, do I?
I'm not sure if I am dealing with a customer service representative or a guy who just decides what planes to repair and which ones to replace, and I don't mean any disrespect, but this is such a terrible way to run a business. The plane doesn't work out of the box, I return it to you and I pay for shipping (I threw in the handling for free even though I assembled it, flew it as far as it would go before it malfunctioned, disassembled it, boxed it and drove it down to the UPS Store, which you must admit is far more handling than anyone did there) and now you have the gumption to charge me for shipping and handling to get the plane back.
Absolutely amazing. But as I said, I guess if I don't pay the freight, I don't get the plane back. Right?
So OK, how do you want me to pay?
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From: tony
To: Scott Craven
Sent: Tuesday, August 31, 2004 8:53 AM
Subject: RE: Megatech Technical support
Hello,
I will need a credit card number.
http://www.megatech.com/warranty.php
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From: Scott Craven
Sent: Tuesday, August 31, 2004 3:46 PM
To: tony
Subject: Re: Megatech Technical support
Ton,
Before I give you a credit card number, I just need to know -- are you a person, or have I been venting to a mechanized answering system designed to frustrate customers via lack of appropriate response?
Thank you.
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From: tony
To: Scott Craven
Sent: Wednesday, September 01, 2004 9:39 AM
Subject: RE: Megatech Technical support
Hello,
A person.
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From: Scott Craven
Sent: Wednesday, September 01, 2004 4:07 PM
To: tony
Subject: Re: Megatech Technical support
Well, Tony, you should be playing poker because you're quite, well, stoic. At this point you've probably been calling me a lot of names, wishing you could send just one of them in an email, but that would get you in big trouble and you need your job.
I really don't want to send my credit card number via an insecure email, so can you give me a phone number? Also, how about the email of your supervisor? I gather you are in a fairly powerless position, unable to address my concerns while having to put up with a customer you wish would simply go away. And me, well, I'm trying to make a point about company policy and you're the only guy so far I've had any contact with. So if I could get the email address of your boss, maybe his/her phone number, I promise to stop bugging you.
Thanks for your patience.
-

Hello,
I am the Manager of the Service Department.If you would like to have your plane shipped back you can call 1-800-242-1931 with a credit card number.
Allen Mandell

Dusty and Lizzie, Part 1:
"Hey hey hey hey, look at me look at me. Where’s your food. Do you have food? I’m going to see if you have food."
"Where are you going?"
"To see if you have food. Do you have food? I want to eat your food."
"Don’t eat my food."
"I want to eat your food. Do you have any food? I am going to see if you have any food."
"I don’t remember if I have food. Did I eat my food? I’m not sure if there is any food."
"I am going to look in your bowl for your food."
"Where are you going?"
"I am going to eat your food."
"I am going to follow you to see where you are going."
"I am going to your bowl to see if it has food. I have seen your food before."
"You are heading toward my bowl. Why are you heading toward my bowl?"
"To see if your bowl has any food. I am going to eat your food."
"Does my bowl have any food in it? I don’t remember."
"I see some food in your bowl. I am going to eat your food."
"Is there food in my bowl? I wonder if there is food in my bowl."
"Here is the food in your bowl. I can see the food. It is in your bowl."
"There is food in my bowl. It is my bowl. So it is my food."
"It is your food."
"Get away from my food."
"I am getting away from your food."
"It is my food."
"I want your food. I am leaving your food."
"Leave my food."
"I am leaving your food."
"I am going to eat my food."
"I am going to watch you eat."
"Do not watch me eat."
"I am not going to watch you eat."
"I am finished. I am going to lie down."
"I want your food. Do you have food? I am going to look in your bowl."
"I am going to lie down. What are you doing?"
"I am going to look in your bowl. To see if you have food."
"Do I have food?"
"I do not see any food."
"I don’t remember if I have food."
"There is no food. I am going to lick your bowl."
"I don’t see any food. I am going to lie down."
"I am licking your bowl."
"You are licking my bowl. I am lying down."
"I can taste your food."
"Do I have food?"