So this week Bryson had his "promotion ceremony” celebrating that momentous occasion in any student's life where he passes from one grade to the next (also known as “summer break").

But apparently it is even more momentous when that transition involves ascendancy from 8^th grade to 9^th grade, since it also celebrates that students survived junior high without A) snapping tendons while being shoved in a locker, and B) have no drug addiction (or at least one hard to detect). There is a C) for girls, having to do with being pregnant and being a member of the "non-" category.

Hundreds of people, 90 percent of them parents who no doubt would have suffered the kind of guilt reserved for missing their kids' chorus performances or softball games, sat in the school's courtyard on a rather hot day to listen to school administrators and a couple of students talk about how proud they were that so many students done graddy-ated the 8th grade (emphasis mine, because it just seems right). Maybe this is a big deal in, say, North Dakota, because what else is there to celebrate there? But in a civilized society, even in an extremely bored civilized society, you'd think 8th-grade promotions would have disappeared when a legal drinking age was established (“Gee, daddy, school is a heck more easy now that I ain't drunk alla time!”)

For roughly 45 minutes each student stepped up to the dais to accept a bit of rolled parchment (symbolic, thus an extreme waste of parchment) and later picked up their "real" certificates that pronounced them fit for high school. In a letter to parents sent home about two weeks before the ceremony, moms and dads (and, I assume, any “funny” uncles) were asked to stay in their seats even as their child was promoted, thus preserving the "sanctity of the ceremony." Apparently if a parent dared to stand, or perhaps sneak closer to the dais, everyone would be taken out of the moment ("Oh, it was beautiful, beautiful I tell you, until some man just stood up as if the sanctity of the ceremony meant nothing!"). And the child of that parent would have his “Certificate of Promotion” withdrawn, meaning he would get nothing for the Altar of Meaningless Achievements in the den (right next to that ASU degree).

And yes, there were many family members there with balloons that said, "Congrats Grad," and others with "Congrats Grad" gift bags and bouquets of flowers. Perhaps their math was as misguided as their intentions – remember, people, these children have four more years of school, if not eight or even more. Yet their fervor was unabated. Perhaps this was the first child in the family to get through 8th grade, holding their breath and hoping beyond hope for success since the 6th grade promotion ceremony. For all those children of parents with "Congrats Grad" presents, my guess is they will be felled during high school by one of the three reasons above. So you might as well celebrate "graduation" while it presents itself.

The principal spoke solemnly of the impact the 8th graders had in their two years at the school, from good citizenship awards to many yearbook photos. "Hard to believe that just two years ago, you were just getting out of elementary school, and here you are about to enter high school." Hmm, yeah, that's the way most people remember it, even without the sanctity of a ceremony.

In the row in front of me, some guy arrived about 45 minutes early and staked out 16 seats. Yes, 16. In overhearing the conversations he had with the many people who were curious about these circumstances -- "They're all saved? Seriously?" "Yes." "All of them." "Yes." All of them?" "Yes. "Could I get just two?" "No, see, our extended family flew in from Minnesota." -- I discovered that Minnesota was home to at least 15 of the most clueless people this planet had known. (Well, probably way more than that because Minnesota once elected Jesse “The Body” Ventura as governor. Wow, I am really beginning to feel sorry for Minnesota).

Five minutes before things got started with the Pledge of Allegiance and the National Anthem (establishing the sanctity of the ceremony), people started going into empty classrooms and taking chairs. A few in the back sat at school desks. One of them was holding a “Congrats Grad” balloon, a gift bag and a bouquet of flowers. And it was probably the first time he'd sat in a school desk in his life.

Thankfully every student that showed received written proof they had received education commensurate to the eighth-grade level. Just like ASU graduates (rim shot).