I watch a lot of TV. OK, I will clarify that. I watch too much TV. But if I did not watch too much TV, I never would have stumbled upon my next too-good-to-fail career.

I am going to be the Demonic Collector.

I had no ides such a career path existed unit I found "Haunted Collector" on SyFy. The title alone hooked me. Who wouldn't want to see a guy looking for cool stuff while being stalked by spirits ("Ooooo, that antique gaaaaassssss puuuump would so niiiice on your patiooooooooo!!").

As it turns out, the white-haired Haunted Collector isn't haunted at all. He seeks out items that are haunted, placing them in his Haunted Museum where they will no longer bother anyone.

He and his team (apparently one guy cannot possibly find and isolate haunted objects) spend a night in the house where odd things are going on. It could be cold spots, a tapping when no one is there, disembodied voices, apparitions, objects that skitter across tabletops, or the feeling you are trapped in your own bed and unable to move (which describes my usual morning when the alarm goes off).

In one episode he'd determined that antique swords were responsible for the oppressing sense of dread a young man felt each time he walked into his bedroom. After the investigation, the team was feeling somewhat the swords could possibly be a potential cause (when you are dealing with haunted objects, proof disappears along with the ghosts).

"Though these swords are for decoration only and have never seen battle, the people who made them do so with the intent they are making a weapon, which can deposit a lot of negative energy into the object," the Collector said. "Anything can set off that energy later, usually with dire consequences."

Every item has some sort of energy, the Collector says. And all of them could harm you. Though I will admit, the only objects that I've ever felt threatened by are Precious Moments figurines. Porcelain has never been so creepy.

In the last scene, we usually see the Haunted Collector place the dangerously haunted object in his museum, putting in under glass, apparently the one substance that can contain the evil (and perhaps why no one has ever heard of a haunted greenhouse).

The Collector has hit on a brilliant business plan, one I will replicate (OK, steal) in such a way as to beat this recession. And once I establish it locally, I will gladly franchise it because every community is going to need a Demonic Collector.

I am not demonic (though some might argue that finding), but I will look for and confine demonic objects.

Did you know, for example, that the substance capable of holding the densest concentration of malevolence is gold, followed closely by diamonds? The molecular structure of each not only holds evil, but actually invites it in (thus the biblical saying, "money is the root of all evil," which actually was "Gold and diamonds are incredibly malevolent" in original Aramaic).

As the Demonic Collector, I will isolate these items through careful detection ("Is that 24 karat? Yes? I'll need that") and contain the evil the only possible way -- sell it on Craigslist. Because when the evil of the object meets the evil of most people looking to score bargains on Craigslist, the malevolence cancels one another out. The evil-on-evil reaction turns what is beastly into bliss, as all parties (the original owner, the Demonic Collector, the demonic buyer) are happy.

By the way, I could not help but notice all the negative energy flowing off your watch. A Rolex, right?