All about the beer

Scene: The small bar behind the country restaurant at Schnepf Farms, site of the annual Pumpkin and Chili Party where thousands of kids are making life absolutely miserable for the adults who really need a drink.

Here, in this oasis of calm and alcohol, adults whose kids are old enough to wander by themselves, or who have pawned their children off on visiting grandparents (suckers) have gathered for a respite from noise and dust and little ones. Especially the little ones.

The players: The bartender, (B), whose unenviable job not only includes dealing with parents who have maybe five minutes to get on their drink before returning to the chaos around the corner, but explaining just why a glass of wine of bottle of beer costs upward of $8 (a price that, for a few, seems reasonable, because what price escape?)

The customer, (C-1), who is interested in getting something, anything, that does not cost her more than a few bucks.

The other customer, (C-2), who really just wants a couple of beers since he and his co-drinker have maybe 20 minutes of peace before being called back to the din by children.

CAMERA focuses on bartender, both her hands on the bar, leaning toward CUSTOMER 1, and as camera pulls back, it reveals a short, 40-something brunette, her palms braced against the edge of the bar, a credit card wedged between the first and middle finger of her left hand.

ENTERING frame from left, CUSTOMER 2 places left elbow on bar, he holds a $10 bill in his left hand. He listens to the conversation between C1 and B.

C1: But you said it was two for one.

B: No, I said it was half-price. Which, if you order two, is two for one.

C1: Right, but you said it would be $8. That doesn’t sound two for one.

B: It’s $4 a glass. So two is $8.

C1: How is that two for one?

B (still calm): It’s not two for one. Half price. When happy hour is over, it will be $8 a glass. But right now it’s $4 a glass. Half price.

C1: You mean $4 is half price?

B: Right.

C1: Oh, well, that’s just too much. Do you have anything cheaper?

B: You can get a bottle of beer for $2.

C1: Beer? Well, I don’t know … (looking off camera) Beer? You want beer? Because wine is $4. No, for one glass (nodding) OK, then, beer? Beer, right. (Looking back to bartender). We’ll have beer, then.

B: Fine, what would you like?

C1: Well, I don’t know, I don’t really drink beer.

B: Everything we have is on the shelf behind me.

C1: I can’t … I can’t really see them. What beer is $2.

B: The domestics are.

C1: Domestic? What’s that?

B: That’s beer brewed by the big companies. Budweiser, Coors.

C1: What else do you have?

B (hint of exasperation): They’re behind me. The bottles.

C1: Well, I guess, I don’t know … (pointing) how about that one?

B: This? Sam Adams?

C1: Yes.

B; That will be $4.

C1: Wait, $4? You said it was $2.

B: Right, for domestics. But this is $4.

C1: Hold on just a second. You just told me it was $2, and now it’s $4? Why is it $4?

B: Because this isn’t a domestic. This is a more expensive beer. Only the domestics are $2.

C1: I don’t understand. Beer is beer.

B: No, not really (slightly more exasperated). Some are cheaper, some are more expensive.

C1: Well, fine then. I don’t care what it is as long as it’s $2.

B: That would be Budweiser or Coors.

C1: Anything else?

B: That’s all we have.

C1: What was it again?

B: Budweiser or Coors.

C1: Oh, I know. Corona. I’ve heard of that before. Do you have those?

B: Yes.

C1: OK, two of those.

B: I can do that, but those are $4 each. So it would be $8.

C1: What? Why?

B: Because Corona is an import-

C1: Look, I don’t care-

B: –from Mexico-

C1: You are telling me more than I want to know.

B: –so it’s more expensive.

C1: I don’t care where it’s from. What I care about is paying $2.

B: That would be Budweiser of Coors.

C1: Let me see Coors.

B: What?

C1: Coors. Let me see the Coors.

B reaches into the beer cooler to her right, takes out a bottle of Coors from the bottom shelf, places it on the bar in front of C1. C1 stares at it for a few seconds. C2, in the background, is shaking his head.

C1: Yes, that’s good. And that’s $2, right?

B: Yes. $2.

C1: I’ll have two of those. $4, right?

B: Yes, $4.

B grabs another Coors, and holding both bottles in her left hand, reaches under the bar with her right and in one quick and practiced motion, extracts a bottle opener and opens the two beers.

C1: Wait, why did you open them? We didn’t want them yet.

B (exasperated): By state law you have to drink them here, so I have to open them when I sell them to you.

C1: Well, why didn’t you say that before? We really weren’t ready to have them, we wanted to walk around.

B: I’m sorry, but I can’t let you have them unopened. That will be $4.

C1: Fine. (Thrusts credit card toward B). Put it on this.

B: I have to go into the restaurant, if you don’t mind waiting a few minutes.

C2 (interrupting): No, wait, I’ll be happy to get it.

C1: What? no … why?

C2: Really, it’s my pleasure. Put those on my bill.

C1: I don’t … I don’t know why you’re doing this.

C2: Because it’s my pleasure.

C1: Why? It doesn’t make any sense.

C2: I’m happy to do it.

C1: Are you sure? You really don’t have to.

C2: I know, which is why I’m doing it.

C2: You’re not … we don’t … we’d prefer to drink by ourselves.

C2: Of course.

C1: You really don’t have to.

C2: Please. I’ve got this, go enjoy your Coors and have a pleasant evening.

C1 (taking beers)” Well, thank you.

C1 turns and departs to her table, where her friend is waiting, leaving B and C2 alone at the bar.

C2: I apologize for her. Some people just don’t get it.

B: Oh, you know her?

C2: No.

B: I thought you were together.

C2: God, no. No way.

B: Then why did you pay for her drinks? Like a pay it forward kind of thing?

C2: More like I-just-wanted-my-beer kind of thing.

B: I understand that.

Fade to black