As the government-appointed expert on incredibly stupid uses of technology (because such rants tend to make a federal case of dumb stuff like this), I have convicted Coors of violating Ordinance 08-WTFWYT in relation to its latest two “advances” in beer-delivery systems.

For those who thought the aluminum can really didn’t need enhancements when it came to containing mass-produced (meaning cheap) malt-based beverages, Coors’ recent innovations have proven you correct. The only one who didn’t understand the near-perfection of the aluminum can, from its lightweight feel to the fact even “geeklings” (weakling geeks) can crush an empty one on their foreheads, Coors has “improved” the can by A) including an indicator telling you it was cold; and 2) venting it so the beer was more accessible.

Perhaps there are some people who truly appreciate the way the mountain on the Coors Light cans turn blue when the beer is appropriately cold. To those people we say: “Man, evolution has been too kind recently.”

And now Coors has unveiled vents on the side of the mouth-hole that allegedly improve the flow of its light beer. Meaning you can drink more, faster.

Until Coors actually works on improving what’s in the can rather than the can itself, a mechanism that allows you to drink more Coors Lights faster is pretty much like inventing a pill that will make dogs crap larger piles more often.

And that’s all I will say on that.