If there is one thing we know about Oprah Winfrey, the guru of our times, it is that she believes in one simple philosophy: “I shamelessly self-promote, therefore I am.”

While relatively 6.5 billion people live their lives in relative quiet, giving to their fellow man in ways that do not require a media empire, Oprah prefers network coverage every time she does something nice.

The latest example – the TV show Oprah’s Big Give. She has chosen 10 people to make dreams come true for those who have faced extremely hard times, turning stuff like foreclosures and the deaths of loved ones into the feel-good show of the year.

Sure, Oprah could merely toss a million bucks at families lucky enough to have suffered untold hardships, but that would not be Oprah enough. Instead, in Oprah’s Big Give, the person who gives the best and hardest wins.

Yup, Oprah has turned charity into a competition. Kinda makes you wish you were recently diagnosed with cancer while not qualifying for insurance at any of the three jobs you work because you had to take time off while clearing legal troubles created by your ex-husband who hasn’t paid child support in 12 years.

In Big Give, competitive givers must fulfill dreams to Oprah standards. Which likely means in addition to the No. 1 Oprah standard: “When giving, make sure it is broadcast and later available for downloading on iTunes.”

And if you don’t give hard enough and long enough to satisfy Oprah, consider yourself gone. The last giver standing wins one million bucks as well as the chance to fawn all over Oprah for being so damn generous.

As if Oprah would be putting any of her cash into this endeavor. If nothing else, Oprah will take home more far more than a million bucks from this show thanks to so many suckers who would gladly tattoo “In Oprah we trust” on the body part of her choosing.

Her altruism is directly proportional to the amount of media coverage it would generate. And since she has her own talk show, magazine and production company, she couldn’t fart without it appearing in the “Ways Oprah enriched us today” column at oprah.com.

Bill Gates can give a billion dollars to world health and maybe be the subject of a press conference or two. Millions of Americans give weekly to United Way and other charities, some in excess of 10 percent of their salaries, and are happy knowing they are doing some good.

It was a bit surprising when Oprah started a school for African women, mentioning it once or twice on her talk show, as well as in her magazine. Pretty muted by Oprah standards. But that’s because she was saving it for a Major Television Event: Oprah goes to Africa for a global group hug. She shows off these young, poor African women because, with a little Oprah magic, they sure clean up nicely.

(And of course when it is discovered one of the teachers is abusing students, Oprah disappears until she can conduct another carefully orchestrated press conference where, surrounded by happy smiling young African women, she explains she was shocked and saddened when she was told about it, and to whom should she make out the check?)

No doubt Oprah’s Big Give will reel in big ratings, a testament to the number of people who need to get off their ass and get a job instead of watching so much daytime TV.

I always thought the worst thing Oprah could have done for America was to give us Dr. Phil. But it looks like her Big Give will top it.

Can’t help but think of this timeless philosophical puzzle – if Oprah gives to a rainforest, does it make a sound? Hell yes, and probably a book series as well.