OK, so Rev. Ted Haggard, head honcho of a very large group of people who agree there really isn’t much to do on Sunday mornings so why not go to church, admits he bought methamphetamine but didn’t use it.

At this point the only folks who are going to believe that are the same who are convinced that one unearthly being can see everything they are doing and yet not be totally freaked out. However, I can see where Haggard is coming from. I can’t count the number of times I have returned from the grocery store to find a large box of Cookie Crisp in my bag. What the hell is this sugary kids’ cereal doing here? If I may make an outdated reference to a regrettable film series, that’s not mine, baby, I swear it. So I put it in the pantry should those who prefer that sort of thing drop by. And usually within a week or so, that box of Cookie Crisp is gone.

Bill Clinton started this whole “That’s not mine, baby” excuse when he said he didn’t inhale. Not quite grasping the concept, I can see Clinton putting the joint to his mouth and blowing out each time the doobie came to him. It puts him in the same intelligence class as those who kill themselves while cleaning their own guns, but it didn’t stop him from being president.

That’s proof that the Austin Powers defense (which I just coined) can be successful. Others might want to think about using it.

President Bush: “I did send troops to Iraq, but it was to sell cookie dough for our annual Armor for Hummers fundraiser.”

John Kerry: “I did say stupid kids wind up in Iraq, but only because admission standards at Baghdad U are slightly less stringent than at Arizona State.”

Wal-Mart: “We don’t pay our employees a living wage, but, uh … hey look, lower prices on plasma TVs!”

For now, I’m giving the benefit of the doubt to Rev. Haggard, who apparently bought and ignored meth monthly. The world would be a better place if that kind of common sense reached every woman who has shopped at The Gap recently.

“Leggings? What the f-? Why did I buy these damn things?”