Letter to a new father--

i am not going to bore you with this, but i cannot help but expound upon my favorite subject, that of fatherhood. it does make a big difference when you plan for it (and it was something i had anticipated for years before finally getting my wife at the time to agree to it, a necessity as she was the holder of the eggs).
it is by far the most rewarding endeavor i have ever been involved with, one in which i find new joy every day. early on it was the smiles and laughter. then the sitting up, the reaching out for things as he explored this strange new world (one of my favorite memories are the evenings i would bathe him, my chore - yeah, like it was a "chore" - and we would splash and talk and sing and i could not help but allow my mind to regress back to its origins, my thoughts and senses melding perfectly with that of an infant). then those tentative first steps, increased mobility. and the words. communication was such a wonderful breakthrough.
And eventually he was able to use that amazing ability to convey feelings. then those truly precious moments, like the one where i sat in the audience at dobson high as bryson was on stage reading from his essay about martin luther king (he won 2nd place in the district). i remember him calling me at work to tell me he'd won. i went absolutely nuts. i remember being told my quads story had earned first place in the annual gannett contest, but having my son tell me he'd jsut won 2nd place with his essay was so much more exciting. that's when it really hit me about my own accomplishments, why my mom and dad insisted on having my dean's list certificates, or the journalism awards i won while in college. life is good, but when things turn out for your child, life is great. and as wonderful as it is with your new daughter now, you will be shocked and amazed at how much better it's going to get.
i will pass onto you the one thing i am sure you already know, and as much as i have tried to accomplish this, it has proven to be impossible -- cling to every moment because they grow up so fast. i think i've done a pretty good job at that, realizing how swiftly days, weeks, months can pass. yet in two weeks bryson will turn 10 and i can't figure out what the hell happened to that decade. about a week ago i had turned out the light, put my head on the pillow and started thinking of just that: where did the years go? i started thinking of the things i've missed because his mom and i split up, wondering about what role i've played in his life. i had taken this journey over the last 10 years, but where had it led?
it was a feeling of aloneness, as if i'd done much of it on my own, that i'd had little influence on my son's life despite doing the best i could. a few days later i picked him up from school and, with this still at the back of my mind, i started asking him about his memories. what stood out, where i was in the recollections of a young boy. he remembered things that surprised me -- running along the sidewalk behind a plastic fire engine at the antfarm, being pushed while riding in a dumptruck, playing in the sand, spending 6 hours in the backseat of a compact car on the way to San Diego.
On and on. it hit me how i hadn't been alone on this journey at all. he'd been with me step by step, accumulating memories and knowledge, shaped and formed by those in his life. yes, an obvious conclusion, one i should have reached without such introspection, yet i was comforted. and i won't forget.
i've gone on way too long, but wanted to pass this along too -- though my dad was from a different era (and yours too, as you mentioned), and he did work a lot of hours every week, he was there for me. my memories are filled with visions of he and i playing football and basketball, building models, hell, even fighting over the length of my hair. he was never really my confidante, it just wasn't part of growing up back then. so with bryson, i hope to take the father-son bond that one step further and be the one he can come to with a problem, or at least a crisis. If not for the love and support of my own dad, i would be ill-equipped to do this on my own. what i do to help my son grow and mature is more important than anything i have ever done, or will do, at work.