It is a genuine shame about Terri Schiavo. When she starved herself so many years ago, leading to a potassium imbalance would start a chemical reaction stopping her heart and leading to the death of brain cells responsible for such thoughts as “Does the way this Size 0 skirt has snagged my protruding hip bones make me look fat?”, spending the next 15 years with all the cognitive function of parents who allow their kids to spend the night at Neverland, who knew she’d become the poster victim for the “God, let me die already” movement.

Since her parents were the only ones more brain-damaged than her, Terri Schiavo was forced to spend much of her life turning liquid nourishment into human waste, the one task she truly mastered. If you think Michael Schiavo was happy once judges gave the OK to pull the tube, think of the smiles on the faces of her nurses.

Of course, there were reports Terri Schiavo wasn’t in a vegetative state at all. Never mind that her brain waves matched that of broccoli. Neurologists representing the Pro-“Let her suffer for the save of political purposes” movement insisted Schiavo’s brain was OK, if by “brain” you meant “skull Jell-O.”

One neurologist in Boca Raton put it his way in defending Schiavo’s right to a plant-like existence: “Take any vegetable, like a tomato, and leave it out for months and it starts to grow this fungus and pretty soon it’s growing everywhere and pretty soon it’s home to millions of intelligent bacteria and … what? Tomato’s a fruit? You’re shitting me.”

The religious right had a total spaz attack over the whole Schiavo thing. That, of course, begs this question: If heaven is so great, why the hell you fighting so hard to maintain a life where the only excitement is bedsore-cleaning day? Of course a good time was had by Muslim insurgents – “Those Christian infidels scoff at us for promising our fighters 21 virgins should they die in combat. At least we don’t force anyone to live life as a salad in order to avoid the afterlife. Now go blow yourself up.”

No one should have to suffer like Terri Schiavo. Well, that’s not quite accurate. Here are a few others who need their feeding tubes removed:

Robert Blake: He might wither and die before finding his wife’s real killer, but that is a chance we are willing to take.

Michael Jackson: That “Jesus Juice” crap only goes so far.

Anyone competing on Apprentice 3: The people Donald Trump should really be firing are the casting directors.

Donald Trump: Why not?

George W. Bush’s Approval Ratings: You want vegetative state? You got it.

Martha Stewart: She’s not that annoying yet, given that the court still has her by the ankle bracelet. But as soon as she makes that first holiday centerpiece out of her parole papers, it’s time to withdraw life support.

The marriage of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt: Whoops, too late.

Pope John Paul II: By the time the cardinals are finished keeping him alive, he’s going to be the first animatronic pope appearing daily at Disney World’s Hall of Religious Leaders (“Jesus looks pretty lifelike, but I prefer the post-Resurrection Christ.”)

Anyone who tried to sneak in to the clinic and give Terri Schiavo a bottle of water: She was on a feeding tube. She cannot eat or drink. Who’s the one in the vegetative state here?