It sure seems like a wonderful decision filled with a combination of grace and forgiveness that only the self-righteous would find pious, but Pope Benedict XV-something has declared that non-baptized children now are eligible for heaven.

Before that magnanimous act, infants unfortunate enough to be born to Catholic parents, their fate compounded by a very early death, were ordered to full time residency in limbo, truly the Third World of the afterlife. Yes, it was better than Catholic Hell with its eternal suffering (making it the Republican Party of the afterlife), but it’s not a place you’d like to stay for more than a few centuries.

But thanks to the most recent pope, limbo babies have been granted permanent resident status in heaven. And that can prove to be quite a problem.

For years limbo babies illegally entering heaven have been doing the menial tasks not fit for heaven’s legal spirits. Mowing immaculate lawns. Trimming hedges to reflect God’s glory. Cleaning up after Mama Cass. On the socio-angelic scale, only Muslims mistakenly given last rights by a Catholic priest ranked lower (largely due to their constant whining about a serious lack of Catholic heaven virgins, as no such thing has ever existed).

Though limbo babies were illegal aliens, most everyone turned a blind eye, especially when there were dishes to be washed after the annual Next to Last Supper, commemorating a meal that was truly a party (as opposed to the downer that was the Last Supper).

One can only imagine the line of limbo babies outside the Pearly Gates now awaiting entrance. The Pope could have considered a more orderly option, such as granting temporary legal status to limbo babies currently in heaven. Those limbo babies, who have been illegally serving God’s will for uncountable years, would have to return to limbo and apply for legal status (a mere formality involving some paperwork and mandatory century-long wait).

Limbo babies actually in limbo would first have to apply for temporary residency, which would be granted based on such Catholic factors as how guilty they feel for not being baptized and, well, that would be the only factor. Limbo babies would be ranked accordingly, and would placed ahead of heaven’s undocumented limbo babies who didn’t feel at all guilty for illegally crossing heaven’s porous border.

All decisions would be made by Saint Peter as the newly installed head of the Catholic Division of LICE (Limbo Immigration Control and Enlightenment).

Only in this way can officials process in an orderly fashion the flood of limbo babies into heaven. How this will effect the heavenly economy – which quite frankly has nothing but spirits who expect their every need fulfilled without lifting a finger because this is after all heaven damn it – is uncertain.

Of course, Catholics never thought about that when they created limbo. Other religions don’t face such problems due to a rather lenient view toward those who just lost their lives, which can be a traumatic event. Protestants, for example, chose not to create a gated community in the afterlife, allowing in just about anything, even dogs. And without a limbo-baby-based workforce, they’ve somehow managed to survive.

If there is one good thing to come out of the tragedy at Virginia Tech, you probably think it has to do with how we’ve come together as a nation, offering aid and comfort to those so in need of the support of total strangers.

And you would be wrong. That whole “outpouring of love” stuff is OK as it goes, but is it really going to change things? Of course not.

No, the real good thing to come out of the Virginia Tech shootings is that pointed out the enormous flaws in our gun control laws. Ever since the Founding Fathers guaranteed the right to bear arms, the nation has struggled with what this really means. Over the last 200-plus years, we’ve added pages and pages of laws in an attempt to logically interpret and implement the Second Amendment in ways that would fit with today’s technology with current moral standards.

And it’s been a colossal failure. Virginia Tech was just the latest example. Every time someone with a grudge, a gun and a loose grip on reality opens fire in a public place, the gun-control debate escalates to a point where it’s nothing more than a political shouting match.

It’s time for the debate to end. The answer is clear.

Everyone should be packing heat. And I mean everyone. If you are old enough to fingerpaint, you are old enough to draw down.

Imagine if the Virginia Tech killer walked into a classroom of fully armed students learning German. Before you could say “Achtung, baby,” Mr. Mass Murderer is felled in a hail of bullets, from the 9mm semiautomatic emptied by the captain of the wrestling team to the .38 caliber snub-nose that takes up so little room in the stylish Dooney & Bourke carried by the cheerleader. End of story. OK, a few unfortunates sitting in the front row might have been cut down by the crossfire, but that’s the price we pay for a safer nation. Once everyone is carrying, compare the number of dead bad guys to the total number of friendly fire casualties and odds are excellent that bad guys would outnumber collateral damage victims by 2 or even 3 to 1. Throw in some voluntary gun training and that ratio goes up.

The problem is you’ll still have those folks who think guns will escalate violence, which is absolute garbage. Our world has lived in relative peace thanks to the concept of mutually assured destruction. Imagine if leaders in the Cold War did not develop enough nuclear bombs to destroy the Earth 300 times over. That kind of nuke-free peace woule be shaky at best. Only with an arsenal of intercontinental missiles trained on the enemy can we guarantee the kind of safe and secure world we have today.

That concept can easily be transferred to the neighborhood level. The key is to start young so that by the time our children are 9 or 10, a gun is as a natural part of their lunch as a juicebox.

Sidearms can be introduced as early as preschool. I know what you’re thinking – won’t the recoil of a Glock break their still-developing arms? Of course it would, which is where responsible parenting comes in. Start small. A .22 caliber handgun would be just fine at this age. Point a .22 at any preschooler, trust me, they’re going to back down because that thing is going to look like a cannon.

Teachers would carry as well, and with their advanced sense of targeting, they could make sure playground shootouts would be limited to antagonists. It’s a win-win situation.

There would have to be a few rules as guns become a natural part of the educational system. For example, you could not draw down on someone who just fouled you on the basketball court. Unless it was a flagrant foul. If that is the case, feel free to put a cap in his ass. Non-fatal wounds can have a lasting impact.

Also, no putting teachers in the crosshairs unless it is self-defense. Let’s say an English teacher has just ordered a disruptive student to the responsibility center. The student, clearly angry, quickly reaches into his backpack. The teacher, thinking the student is reaching for his Luger, a present from his grandfather for his ninth birthday, draws his favorite semiautomatic from the small of his back where he keeps it, comforted by its sharp metallic edges pressing against his flesh. The student, however, was merely digging for his iPod (that’s his story and he is sticking to it), but now that he’s looking down the barrel of a smartly designed handgun (thinking he’s going to ask for one of those for Christmas), he is free to pull his own weapon, and may the fastest draw win. Fair is fair.

No longer would schools be the unsafest places in the entire world as they are now. The mentally unbalanced would have to seek other havens to unleash Hell’s fury upon the unsuspecting.

But in this world, there is no such haven. Draw a weapon today at a convenience store and you’re going to walk out of there with $35 in small bills. Do the same when carrying a gun is mandatory and you’re committing suicide by annoyed public.

Arguments can be settled swiftly with no need for the intervention of law enforcement. That guy in the movie theater who doesn’t turn off his cellphone? See how cooperative he is when you’ve got Smith and Wesson pointed at his head. Dude bangs his door against your car outside Wal-Mart? Notice how quickly he offers to pay for damages when you are the first to get to your revolver. The woman who leaves her grocery cart in the middle of the aisle like, what, she owns the damn place, so screw you and find another way around? No need to say “Excuse me” when you can just as easily take out one of her kneecaps.

The Virginia Tech massacre could have been prevented if the gun lobby had had its way so many years ago. It’s not too late. Until legislators realize the wisdom of a gun in every pocket, purse and glovebox, we will be a society handcuffed by the unavailability of guns to protect ourselves. Or settle arguments. Or act on grudges.