Have you ever noticed those "encouraging" or "peaceful" phrases on some highbrow foil-wrapped chocolate (Dove Promises, I'm talking about you). Stuff like "Carve out time for yourself today" (I'm eating chocolate, aren't I?) and "Look for the peaceful soul" (what, it's not here?).

It's all marketing bullshit of course. Does anyone read those things? "Oh wait, before I devour this momentary delight of 100 calories, let me read the wrapper assuming I didn't pretty much shred it when ripping it off. Damn, it's a jigsaw puzzle now. Something about relaxing, enjoying the moment."

If Dove really wanted to make a difference, here's what those wrappers should say:

--Welcome back, Chunky.

--Listen carefully, and you can hear your heart straining too.

--What part of "moderation" don't you understand?

--What the hell. You are already one seriously fat fuck.

--Jesus, again? Really?

--Another one would have been fine when you were 18. But that was a long time ago.

--Looking for answers? You might try another place other than in this bag.

--Just two more, then vomit. We'll still be here.

--Yes, this is better than sex. Because for you, it's attainable.