The other day, a colleague asked if anyone knew what a euphemism is. We all pretended to know until the smarty-pants of the group said, as if quoting the dictionary, “It’s the substitution of a less-offensive state to describe something that could be considered offensive.” Oooh, we’re all so impressed with your incredible brain.

Anyway, she was right. For example, “making water” is a euphemism for “I’ve so got to piss.” It’s a really stupid euphemism, but that doesn’t make it any less an example of what we’re talking about.

But it seems that, as a culture, we prefer reverse euphemisms. That is, substituting something more offensive than using the phrase that is considered just fine for use in the general public. And more often than not, it involves the f-bomb (hey look, it’s a euphemism – or wait, according to rules, it should be an euphemism, but that sounds retarded).

In an effort to make this a more gentle society, here are a few ways you can avoid reverse euphemisms:

“You’re kidding!” instead of “The fuck you say!”

“That’s surprising” instead of “What the fuck.”

“I agree” instead of “Fucking a.”

“Wow” instead of “Holy fuck.”

“I disagree” instead of “Go fuck yourself.”

“I can’t quite get a handle on this task I’ve been assigned” instead of “Fuck this.”

“Really?” instead of “Get the fuck out!”

“I don’t care” instead of “I don’t give a fuck.”

“I really don’t care” instead of “I don’t give a flying fuck.”

“I believe I erred” instead of “Fuck me in the ass.”

“I see your point” instead of “Fuck you.”