It is a good thing the Vatican announced 10 Commandments for Motorists because until then, people were probably pretty confused about how the original “Thou shalt not kill” commandment pertained to the roadway. (It’s pretty clear now as the Vatican’s First Commandment for drivers also happens to address the wrongness of killing, ending any hopes for escaping sin with the “But it was an accident” excuse).

In general, the car commandments are intended to make us more virtuous in the vehicle. It even suggests praying behind the wheel, but if you are the closed-eyes-and-bowed head type, please refrain from talking to God while in motion. And no, “Please God, just let me make this light” does not count as prayer.

That’s all well and good when it comes to sin-avoidance on the highway. But does “Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin” or “Feel responsible for others” really help anyone’s commute?

That is why we devised these 10 Commandments for People Driving in the Real World:

10. Thou shalt not drive the speed limit in the fast lane unless thou art seeking to provoke road rage.

9. Thou shalt not provoke road rage.

8. During off-peak hours, thou shalt treat the carpool lane like the fast lane.

7. During peak, thou shalt have the moral standards to stay out of the carpool lane if thou are alone, less ye risk eternal damnation (which is far more likely than being pulled over by a patrol officer).

6. Thou shalt not bypass traffic on the right only to cut into a crowded left-turn lane at the last second, for even the meek will want to kick your ass.

5. Thou shalt back off to allow others in front of you, unless thou sees no turn signal, then thou art free to narrow the gap, for thou shalt remain without sin when cutting off dickheads.

4. Thou shalt not drive the speed limit in the fast lane. How many times do we have to tell you people?

3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s space in front of you, lest thou can find your away around him without being a jerk.

2. Thou shalt not have stickers, magnets or other attachments boasting of ordinary accomplishments or feelings, and yes, we are specifically talking about stick families, honor-student bumper stickers and support-our-troop magnets. Assholes.

1. Thou shalt get the fuck out of our way. Seriously.