It sure seems like a wonderful decision filled with a combination of grace and forgiveness that only the self-righteous would find pious, but Pope Benedict XV-something has declared that non-baptized children now are eligible for heaven.

Before that magnanimous act, infants unfortunate enough to be born to Catholic parents, their fate compounded by a very early death, were ordered to full time residency in limbo, truly the Third World of the afterlife. Yes, it was better than Catholic Hell with its eternal suffering (making it the Republican Party of the afterlife), but it’s not a place you’d like to stay for more than a few centuries.

But thanks to the most recent pope, limbo babies have been granted permanent resident status in heaven. And that can prove to be quite a problem.

For years limbo babies illegally entering heaven have been doing the menial tasks not fit for heaven’s legal spirits. Mowing immaculate lawns. Trimming hedges to reflect God’s glory. Cleaning up after Mama Cass. On the socio-angelic scale, only Muslims mistakenly given last rights by a Catholic priest ranked lower (largely due to their constant whining about a serious lack of Catholic heaven virgins, as no such thing has ever existed).

Though limbo babies were illegal aliens, most everyone turned a blind eye, especially when there were dishes to be washed after the annual Next to Last Supper, commemorating a meal that was truly a party (as opposed to the downer that was the Last Supper).

One can only imagine the line of limbo babies outside the Pearly Gates now awaiting entrance. The Pope could have considered a more orderly option, such as granting temporary legal status to limbo babies currently in heaven. Those limbo babies, who have been illegally serving God’s will for uncountable years, would have to return to limbo and apply for legal status (a mere formality involving some paperwork and mandatory century-long wait).

Limbo babies actually in limbo would first have to apply for temporary residency, which would be granted based on such Catholic factors as how guilty they feel for not being baptized and, well, that would be the only factor. Limbo babies would be ranked accordingly, and would placed ahead of heaven’s undocumented limbo babies who didn’t feel at all guilty for illegally crossing heaven’s porous border.

All decisions would be made by Saint Peter as the newly installed head of the Catholic Division of LICE (Limbo Immigration Control and Enlightenment).

Only in this way can officials process in an orderly fashion the flood of limbo babies into heaven. How this will effect the heavenly economy – which quite frankly has nothing but spirits who expect their every need fulfilled without lifting a finger because this is after all heaven damn it – is uncertain.

Of course, Catholics never thought about that when they created limbo. Other religions don’t face such problems due to a rather lenient view toward those who just lost their lives, which can be a traumatic event. Protestants, for example, chose not to create a gated community in the afterlife, allowing in just about anything, even dogs. And without a limbo-baby-based workforce, they’ve somehow managed to survive.