Life and insignificant times

2011-09-22T09:20:00.001-07:00

The (Bad) Elf on the Shelf I am dressed in all green from my head to by toes, except for what's red, my eyes and my nose. Santa sent me to sit on your shelf, and not cause he thought it was good for my health. I am here for one reason and that is to spy on you and your habits while I get high. You probably wonder how I come up with trickses, it's to occupy time in between all my fixes. And

2011-07-10T12:26:00.003-07:00

I watch a lot of TV. OK, I will clarify that. I watch too much TV. But if I did not watch too much TV, I never would have stumbled upon my next too-good-to-fail career.I am going to be the Demonic Collector.I had no ides such a career path existed unit I found "Haunted Collector" on SyFy. The title alone hooked me. Who wouldn't want to see a guy looking for cool stuff while being stalked by

2010-03-03T07:55:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed those "encouraging" or "peaceful" phrases on some highbrow foil-wrapped chocolate (Dove Promises, I'm talking about you). Stuff like "Carve out time for yourself today" (I'm eating chocolate, aren't I?) and "Look for the peaceful soul" (what, it's not here?).It's all marketing bullshit of course. Does anyone read those things? "Oh wait, before I devour this momentary delight

Holy goodness

2009-11-08T08:01:00.001-07:00

It came to me in a dream, as I stumbled about a scorched landscape under a harsh sun, where what little life there was struggled to survive. Yet on the horizon was a warm golden glow, a richer, more inviting place to which I was inexorably drawn. And as I approached the landscape was less scorched and more baked, and I soon felt inexplicably comforted. For in front of me it stood, asking for

Race relations, retro style

2009-11-01T08:55:00.001-07:00

In the summer of 1972, the one movie I really wanted to see was “Superfly,” in which a badass dude killed lots of people (really all the plot a 14-year-old needs). It starred Ron O’Neill as the badass dude, and I have no idea why I remember his name. But I think he wore a hat and a badass coat. But he definitely killed a lot of people. Drug dealers, I think, making it morally OK. “Superfly” and

All about the beer

2009-10-25T08:48:00.001-07:00

Scene: The small bar behind the country restaurant at Schnepf Farms, site of the annual Pumpkin and Chili Party where thousands of kids are making life absolutely miserable for the adults who really need a drink. Here, in this oasis of calm and alcohol, adults whose kids are old enough to wander by themselves, or who have pawned their children off on visiting grandparents (suckers) have gathered

2009-08-23T08:08:00.002-07:00

What if all types of insurance were sold like health insurance?“Hi, I'd like to buy some car insurance.”“We can certainly help you with that. Do you smoke?”“Uh, well, no.”“How old are you?”“I'm 57.”“Is this just for you or will other people be in the car?”“Mostly me, but I'll probably be driving other people at some point.”“OK, your premium is $849 a month.”“What? You don't even know what I drive

2009-07-26T14:46:00.003-07:00

I visited by parents recently and they showed me a photobook I had put together for them five years ago. It documented the year in photos, largely those of my son Bryson. This was my intro I wrote, more like a letter to my parents. I am sharing it because I think its sentiments are shared by all parents -- It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ... wait, aside for those moments

2009-07-13T05:47:00.001-07:00

Did you see that study that found if you consume two drinks a day, it lowers your risk for dementia? I used to think that when I forgot things, it was the onset of dementia. Now I know I'm just drunk.

2009-07-08T17:28:00.000-07:00

There comes that point in every teen's life when he realizes the world does not revolve around him. And that realization typically is delivered by a frustrated parent. My moment occurred when I was 13, seconds after I said, “Like, right now?” when my dad asked offered to drive me to the store to buy a Mother's Day. It was an epic lecture, beginning with 14 hours of labor and ending with that

2009-06-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

At around 3:45 a.m. on a weekday, there are roughly three cars on the road in Gilbert – the guy delivering the newspaper, a guy coming off a night-long drunk knowing that his house has to be one of these, and me. And so it was Tuesday, as I pulled out of my quiet Gilbert subdivision on the way to my Tempe gym and then into work (and yes, as I have had to tell friends and colleagues, I do work out

2009-05-31T15:27:00.002-07:00

The other day, our science writer at the paper got a call from a reader wondering just how big Mars was going to look the next Sunday. Is it true it was the closest it ever has been to the Earth, and that it will appear as big as a full moon?"No," our writer said. "Mars will be closer than usual, but it won't look much different.""Really? Because I read about it in your newspaper.""Well, I wrote

2009-05-25T12:11:00.001-07:00

So this week Bryson had his "promotion ceremony” celebrating that momentous occasion in any student's life where he passes from one grade to the next (also known as “summer break"). But apparently it is even more momentous when that transition involves ascendancy from 8th grade to 9th grade, since it also celebrates that

2009-05-17T09:51:00.000-07:00

Newspapers are dying and I may be out of a job in a year or so. Should I be forced to leave after 30 years of telling other people's stories, I will still feel lucky because of the hundreds of amazing men, women and children I've been fortunate to have written about. And two stand out, a pair that proves the adage, “It's not

2009-05-10T11:41:00.002-07:00

Random thoughts and observations: On May 22, South Valley Junior High (and nearly all other junior and middle schools in Arizona) is holding “promotion” ceremonies for 8th graders. Why? Apparently to celebrate the fact that most, if not all, students learned enough about algebra, astronomy and the Civil War to be allowed

2009-05-03T09:13:00.000-07:00

(This file was forwarded to me by a friend deep inside Homeland Security, so deep that he if he were to issue a memo denying he existed, it would be accepted unequivocally. I share it not in the interest of national security, but just because it's fun to mess with the government.) File T09-1138HS-0503 ATTN: Domestic

2009-03-20T15:12:00.001-07:00

My advice to anyone who takes a rock-climbing class -- trust your shoes. Special rock-climbing shoes, which are like slippers with a rubber sole and are uncomfortably tight, can adhere to any gap. crack or nub found on a rocky face. Trust me. When you are roughly 50 feet up and are at about an 80-degree angle, and both hands are pinching tiny granite bumps for support, you must have faith in the

2009-03-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

Bryson won his first match as wreslter this year. OK, this is just a test of the Picasa add-a-photo blogging system. If this had been a real blog entry, it would have been way more interesting.

2009-03-15T08:18:00.001-07:00

There is very little reason to engage in a baseless discussion of a meaningless TV show. Particularly when that show devolves into the most ludicrous situations even as it touts the “gritty realism” of modern-day terrorist-inspired warfare.But the fact there is very little reason to engage in such a debate only fuels the fire because there is nothing like focusing a passionate argument around

2009-03-01T14:47:00.001-07:00

VOID“Goddamn it, Vince, get in here, these corns ain't gonna scrape themselves.”No, they sure weren't, Vince knew. Nor did her toenails cut themselves. Or her eyebrows pluck themselves. Or tampons buy themselves.No sir, they sure didn't, no matter how hard Vince wished for it. “Sorry, hon, I was just-”“Just nothing, like usual, now get your fat ass in here, Jeezus, how many times do I ...”Vince

2009-02-07T14:22:00.000-07:00

Ever since Bryson was 6, his birthday gift has included a coupon book from dear old dad. Typically he receives 10 or so. Some are consistent (each year, two or three allow him to trade the coupon for a purchase, which is a lot cooler than a gift card because it's good every where they accept cash from the Bank of Dad, which is everywhere). Over the years, he's received coupons to get out of one

2009-01-02T10:58:00.002-07:00

CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS POSTNothing. One week of hitting 3-4 newspapers a day and nothing. My rules didn't help, since they did not scream of desperation. I applied only at small and medium-sized dailies (working for a weekly was too depressing, since they typically had a staff of three who covered city meetings, took photos and designed the pages – fun, but earning just slightly more than

2008-12-31T11:29:00.002-07:00

CONTINUED FROM POST BELOW Early morning, mid-September, 1979. Adjusted the rearview mirror of my 1976 Datsun B-210 hatchback as I headed out. About a top third of the back window was not blocked by records, clothes and my TV. Plenty of room to see where I’ve been. I was too young and stupid to be nervous. Hell, it was 1979

2008-11-29T14:38:00.001-07:00

CONTINUED FROM POST BELOWThe only thing I knew about Colorado, other than it was mostly mountains (and I was fairly sure Denver was the capital) came from John Denver’s Rocky Mountain High. Yes, I liked the song (still do). And he made it sound like a cool place, being reborn and all.Made sense for me, what with my sudden epiphany. It was time to reinvent myself, to take a risk. I had to venture

2008-11-15T13:42:00.001-07:00